So, JPMorgan thinks Stripe is about to unleash the “twin revolutions” of AI and money. Give me a break.
I just read their latest love letter to the Collison brothers, and you’d think Stripe was inventing fire and the wheel simultaneously. They're talking about a $350 billion market, "agentic commerce," and "borderless financial services." It's a beautiful story, the kind that gets VCs misty-eyed and makes consultants invent new buzzwords for their PowerPoint decks.
And look, I get it. Stripe processes a staggering $1.4 trillion a year. That’s more than the GDP of most countries. They handle payments for 78% of the big-shot AI firms—OpenAI, Anthropic, you name it. They're the invisible plumbing for the internet economy, the digital tollbooth where everyone has to pay. It’s a great business. A ridiculously great business.
But a revolution? That’s where they lose me.
The Shiny New Toy
Let's talk about the "revolution" part, because that's where the marketing genius really shines. Stripe isn't just a payment processor anymore. Oh no. They're an "AI-powered commerce" leader. They're a "digital-asset infrastructure" player. They're buying up crypto-wallet companies (Privy) and stablecoin platforms (Bridge). They’re even incubating their own Layer-1 blockchain called Tempo, which Patrick Collison calls the "payments-oriented L1."
This is a smart play. No, 'smart' doesn't cover it—this is a move of pure, unadulterated ambition. While every other fintech is trying to figure out how to make a profit, Stripe is planting its flag on the two biggest hype trains of the decade: AI and crypto. They want to be the rails for the AI agents that will one day order our groceries and the settlement layer for the stablecoins that will supposedly power global trade. It’s a vision of total dominance.
The narrative is perfect. They’re no longer just the guys who make sure your credit card works on Shopify. They’re the architects of the future of money itself. But does building the plumbing for a revolution make you a revolutionary? Or does it just make you a very, very rich plumber? I’m genuinely asking. Because from where I’m sitting, it looks like they're just finding new, more complex ways to take their 2.9% and 30 cents.
They want to be the rails for AI and the bank for crypto, and if they pull it off... well, the JPMorgan guys might even be underselling it. Then again, maybe I’m the crazy one here. Maybe building a better, faster, more globalized version of the same old financial system is the revolution now. What a depressing thought.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future
So while Stripe is busy selling Wall Street this grand vision of a borderless, decentralized, AI-driven future, they did something incredibly... normal. Incredibly old-school.
They signed a lease.
Not just any lease. E-Payment Platform Stripe Expands to 286K SF at 28 Liberty Street. You can probably see the Statue of Liberty from the corner offices on the 48th floor. I can just picture it: the faint hum of the HVAC system, the smell of freshly installed corporate carpeting, and a thousand employees staring into their MacBooks under fluorescent lights.
This is the part of the story that doesn't fit the slick narrative. A company at the heart of the "twin revolutions" is doubling down on the most traditional symbol of corporate power imaginable: a giant headquarters in the world's most expensive city. Asking rent is up to $80 a square foot. You do the math. That ain't cheap.
The building's owner, some guy from a firm called Four Trees Capital Management, gushed that Stripe's move "underscores the strong appeal of this landmark property" and offers a "uniquely elevated office experience." A uniquely elevated office experience? What does that even mean? Do the elevators play curated lo-fi beats? Are the free snacks artisanal? It’s the kind of meaningless corporate jargon that makes my skin crawl. It’s a damn office building.
This move feels like a tell. It’s a signal that for all the talk of borderless finance and digital assets, Stripe is becoming exactly what it once sought to disrupt: a massive, centralized, and offcourse, regulated institution. You don't lease eight floors in the Financial District to stay nimble. You do it to build an empire. You do it because you're becoming a bank, even if you don't call yourself one.
Which reminds me, isn't it funny how all these "disruptors" end up wanting to become banks? Coinbase, Circle, Crypto.com... they're all chasing charters. Because at the end of the day, that's where the real power is. The revolution, it seems, will be regulated.
It's Just a Bank, People
Let’s be real. Stripe is an incredible success story, built by two brilliant founders. They created a product that was ten times better than the competition and they won. But the revolutionary garb doesn’t fit anymore. They’re not scrappy insurgents. They’re the house. They process 1.3% of global GDP. They serve half the Fortune 100. The "twin revolutions" of AI and crypto aren’t threats to be navigated; they're new markets to be conquered, new territories to bring under the Stripe flag. The massive office in Manhattan isn't a contradiction; it's a coronation. It's the castle for the new kings of finance. Don't call it a revolution. Call it what it is: the new establishment.