Southern Park Mall's "Operational Safety Concerns"? Yeah, Right.
So, the Southern Park Mall in Boardman, Ohio, suddenly locks its doors on a Monday morning, leaving employees scrambling and shoppers scratching their heads. "Operational safety concerns," they say. Right. That's the kind of vague corporate BS that makes my teeth itch. What really happened? Did a rogue Roomba go on a rampage? Did someone finally snap after listening to that same Kenny G holiday album for the 87th consecutive day?
Mall General Manager Vince Tyler sends out a text message – a text message, mind you – to explain the whole mess. Real professional. "Unavoidable situation," he calls it. Unavoidable like a Kardashian divorce, maybe. And then the kicker: tenants don't even have to open when the doors finally creak back to life at 12:30 p.m. Thanks for the permission slip, Vince. Real generous.
The Kohan Retail Investment Group Circus
Oh, and get this: the mall's owned by Kohan Retail Investment Group, who, surprise surprise, are behind on their property taxes. Shocker. This is like finding out your Uber driver has 17 outstanding warrants. County Commissioner Geno Difabio nails it: "This guy's not a good player." Ya think?
Josh Langenheim, owner of Steel Valley Brew Works (which, bless its heart, has its own entrance), sums it up perfectly: "I don't know what the hell is going on, but this is crazy." This is the kind of thing you just would never think would happen." Exactly! It's like something out of a bad sitcom where the punchline is always the slow, agonizing death of American retail.
And the "community of the mall"? Ceased to exist, according to Langenheim. Ouch.
Speaking of community... I was trying to get my damn car fixed last week, and the mechanic—no joke—tried to upsell me on blinker fluid. BLINKER FLUID! Are you kidding me? Where do they find these guys? It's like they think we're all complete morons. Which, maybe we are, since we're still going to malls in 2025.
The Fire Department Arrives—But Nobody Knows Why
Then there's the Boardman Fire Department showing up. Fire crews said they "heard the mall was closed, so they responded to make sure anyone potentially inside was safe." Potentially inside? What, were they expecting a zombie outbreak in the food court? The whole thing stinks of something far more rotten than a Cinnabon left out in the sun. Southern Park Mall to reopen Monday afternoon after 'operational
And the employees? Some are citing delays in pay. Of course they are. This whole situation is a masterclass in how not to run a business. You've got a mall owner dodging taxes, a manager sending cryptic texts, and workers left twisting in the wind. It's a goddamn clown show.
Life Support for a Dying Mall
Boardman trustee candidate Cody McCormick says the mall is on "life support." Probably accurate. He wants accountability from local leadership and the mall owner. Good luck with that, buddy. Getting blood from a stone would be easier.
But wait a minute...maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe there was a legitimate safety concern. Maybe a pipe burst, or a support beam cracked, or...or maybe a swarm of killer bees invaded the Victoria's Secret. Okay, even I don't buy that.
So, What's the Real Story?
It's a slow-motion train wreck, plain and simple. The Southern Park Mall is circling the drain, and all they're offering us is a bunch of empty apologies and vague excuses. Ain't nobody buying it.